Self Esteem as defined by merriam-webster is-a FEELING of having respect for yourself and your abilities.
We get our S.E. (self esteem) from 2 areas;
1. what we actually do. (ACTIONS)
2. what we make of those experiences. (THOUGHTS)
Our actions are a result of our feelings. We FEEL a certain way and that causes us to ACT in a certain way. Understanding that our FEELINGS are a result of our THOUGHTS, we can then increase our self esteem by changing our thinking.
Other people do not control how your feeling.
This is not 'positive thinking', that is bullshit. This is about choosing thoughts that serve us. You get to decide how you think and feel about yourself. Your opinion of you is not established by anyone but you. Your parent, your partner, your kids, your spouse, your friends... no one controls how you feel. If you blame another- you disempower yourself completely. That opinion comes from thoughts that you are having. How you choose to think about yourself is going to determine how you feel about yourself.
ACCEPTING that it is your responsibility for how you feel is the beginning. Start with the fact that you are amazing just because you are a human being on the planet. You are worthy. Learn to accept that humans (you) have both good and bad within TRULY accepting that we are both and finding peace with that lets us relax into being human and able to become responsible for our own feelings.
The only way to FEEL better and build a better S.E. is by choosing what thoughts to think about our experiences. When you learn to manage your brain and take your power back by doing this you get to choose how to FEEL in every area of life which empowers you and builds your Self Esteem; A FEELING OF RESPECT FOR ONESELF AND YOUR ABILITIES.
I can teach you how to do this. Contact me for more information.
We hate them, we punish our kids for telling them, we leave relationships because of them and yet, we lie to ourselves all the time, AND TOLERATE IT!
We look in the mirror and say things like, you're ugly or fat. We think thoughts throughout the day...I'll never be successful, pretty, strong, a good parent or able to follow the plan or do business this way and so many other lies. Our self talk is the loudest, most consistent voice we hear everyday. Why are we repeating the self sabotaging mantras? Better yet, how do we stop?
Most of us realize that our self talk, errors on the side of negative and even when we TRY to 'think positive' and repeat our newly written down goals and encouraging words we fail to be consistent and end up reinforcing our negative beliefs.
Just 'thinking positive' and forcing those newly found rainbow and butterfly statements out doesn't work, because our brain doesn't believe it!
Looking in the mirror and saying you are beautiful, you are perfect when we see that extra weight that we're carrying is not something we can believe. BUT, looking in the mirror and saying I love you, just the way you are and I am going to take better care of you....Now THAT is something you can believe! Sometimes just starting with, 'I have a body' and remembering what that body allows us to do each day is all we can muster, but its a start.
Another way we lie is by making statements like, 'the whole day is ruined', because we didn't get enough sleep, because the dogs were unruly (or the kids), or because you couldn't stick to your planned day or.... Get ahold of these thoughts and ask yourself, IS THAT TRUE? Is your day really ruined? The answer is a resounding NO. It is only your thoughts about that situation that are ruining your day.
Choosing what to think and thinking things that your brain can believe will create the biggest changes in your life.
So instead of just trying to think positive and say nice things, become aware of your actual thoughts and ask yourself, IS THAT TRUE? Really true!?
What do you want to think instead? Is there a TRUTH within, that will propel you in the direction of positive change and self talk that your brain can actually believe?
It is simple, but not easy. Our primitive brains are programed for the negative. We can, with a few new tools, really reprogram our self talk and get control over our lives.
Contact me to get started on your path.
What do you really want?
Have you asked yourself this question before?
Is the answer, Happiness, peace, riches.... certainly no one says chaos, confusion, frustration, anger, and yet, that is what most people are settling for.
When you are people pleasing, and going through the motions of what you think you are 'SUPPOSED' to do you will never find peace there.
Discovering what you really want AND don't want is where you will find peace. It starts with being completely honest with yourself.
Certainly we can sit down and write lists of future goals and achievements that sound great. Having goals is great, I encourage that. That's not really what I'm talking about. This is something deeper, something that can guide us in daily decisions. We can think we know what we desire most when we are just going through the motions. Truly knowing oneself and being able to navigate through each day with clarity and confidence that we know our wants and don't wants is where peace can be found.
I believe this coincides with boundaries, for we cannot set healthy boundaries without know what we want and don't want, what we choose to live with and what we choose to NOT live with.
It isn't always easy to recognize either of these. I found myself in a dilemma recently. I thought there was a situation in my relationship that if it was true that I would be totally fine with. We would just need to talk it through, but I would be ok with it. After bringing up the subject and saying that IF this were true that I would be totally fine with it, I ruminated for 3 days. I mopped around the house, found myself lost in thought, couldn't accomplish the smallest of tasks without feeling exhausted. I began to look around at my 'things', decorations, clothes, furniture....I kept saying to myself, 'I DON'T WANT THAT, OR THAT OR THAT....' It took me 3 days to realize that what I really didn't want was this situation in my relationship to be true and if it was, I THAT was what I didn't want! I had no control over whether or not this situation would be true in my relationship, but I knew if it was that I no longer wanted that relationship. As scary as that was to admit to myself, I was terrified to admit that to my partner. Once I admitted my truth, no matter the consequence, there was instant relief. It was my truth and what I wanted/didn't want for my life.
There is peace when you are honest with yourself!
Finding, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in any relationship can be complicated. Being in an ADHD affected relationship, it can be even harder because of the symptoms that are present with ADHD.
Let's explore some ways that boundaries can be affected by asking some questions.
The ADHD Partner
Understanding that there is a brain dysfunction at play here, setting and respecting boundaries can be more important for you. Here are some ways that ADHD can affect your boundaries.
Am I in my partner's space, do I follow them around? Am I touching in a respectful way, or touching too much? Am I dominating all of my partner's time? Am I taking care of property in a way that isn't destructive? Am I taking care of myself, my messes, my body, my finances, my job or am I leaving that for my partner? Am I active in child rearing? Am I interrupting others? Am I taking over others' projects in a controlling manner? Am I letting others take advantage of me by not being able to say no? Am I using defensive/angry tones when talking to my partner? AM I assuming my partner will handle every thing? Am I refusing to treat my ADHD symptoms?
The NON ADHD Partner
Yes, you may be holding it all together, being responsible for nearly every thing, however this can lead to unhealthy boundaries.
Assuming that you are the only person who can handle cleaning, cooking, child rearing, finances, weekend plans... is also a way that you are over stepping your boundaries.
Am I following my partner around, making sure they pick up after themselves, use things the proper way (as we deem fit)? Am I touching my partner in ways that feel good to them or to myself? Am I dominating my partners time in order to feel important? Do I go through my partners personal items, desk, phone, computer? Am I sacrificing my own needs to please my partner? So I let my partners feelings dictate my own? Am I communicating in a way to be heard or am I scolding and accusing in my tone?
Those are all ways in which we break boundaries, your own and your partner's.
Learning how to set healthy boundaries by knowing what areas to set them in, how to honor both yours and your partners and putting them into perspective can lead to a happier, healthier relationship.
If you would like help in walking through this process, please contact me.
The formal term to define boundaries is this;
'A value, characteristic or behavior that we must have in order to live our life, in any situation, as the person we wish to be.'
Ok, that's great but can you break that down please? A value is a principle or standard, character is a feature or quality belonging to a person, place or thing an a behavior is the action that is taken. So, to redefine a bit; A Boundary is a standard, a quality or an action that we must have in order to live our life, in any situation, as the person we desire to be.
We all have boundaries whether we are truly aware of and enforce them or not. You will know when a boundary has been crossed by the way your body responds to the 'offense'. You may feel angry, tense, sad, frustrated, helpless, lost or a host of other emotions. Your body may present with a physical symptom; sick to your stomach, headache, muscle tension, and so on.
Setting your boundaries allows yourself and others to understand you expectations by making clear a set of morals or priorities that you have. And over time allows for adaptations or changes in how you want to interact with others. When you live in a way that honors your boundaries you are most likely to have happy, healthy relationships. When you must constantly suppress parts of yourself and live below your boundaries you will feel empty, unhappy and unfulfilled.
Finding your boundaries does not mean that you become rigid and demanding or selfish, it actually is the opposite. Finding out what is truly important to you provides strength to be who you are, it means becoming more flexible and more caring. Well defined boundaries allow you to put things in perspective and let go of petty issues.
Before you define what your boundaries are, it helps to know what areas to set them in.
I believe for our purposes we can lump them into Physical and Emotional.
Physical boundaries include personal space, privacy and your body. Violations include standing too close, inappropriate touching, a tidy space, even looking through your personal files or your phone.
Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from others feelings. Violations include, taking responsibility for another’s feelings, letting another’s feelings dictate your own, sacrificing your own needs to please another, blaming others for your problems, and accepting responsibility for theirs.
Our boundaries are shaped by
A great place to begin is to identify your basic human rights. Judith Belmont, a mental health author and licensed psychotherapist offers the following examples.
Defining your Boundaries in 3 ways
1. Tune into your emotions.
Tuning into your emotions can help you to better understand boundaries that you are comfortable with and ones that you are not. You can accomplish this by PAUSE and take stock. How am I feeling right now? What is my body trying to tell me?
Emotional discomfort is a sign that we need to attend to something. Pleasurable emotions let us know what/who we want more of.
2. Tune into your thoughts.
Do your thoughts about yourself become negative or positive? In what situations and around who?
Tuning into how you think about yourself or how you are acting around certain people or in different situations can also help you to understand your boundaries. For example if you are always anxious spending time somewhere or with a particular person that can be a clue that an important boundary is being crossed. Likewise, feeling happy and comfortable can be a sign that you are being respected and honoring yourself.
3. Get clear values.
Identify what matters most. Travel, time with loved ones, pay off debt, an education, a clean house, being active in your church or community. Different people will have different values and in a different order of importance.
Start by brainstorming all the things that are important to you. Don't worry about putting them in any kind of order just yet. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Financial Security; Compassion; Health/Fitness; Nature; Accomplishment; Creativity; Dependability; Loyalty; Beauty; Bravery; Gratitude; Love; Connection/Relationships; Learning; Leadership; Survival; Self-Preservation; Security; Adventure; Family; Work; Success; Calm; Freedom.....
If you would like someone to walk through this process with you, please contact me.
Learning to honor and implement them into your life is the next step.
At a recent Chiropractic appointment, my doctor stated that I was still the same person today that I was before COVID-19 and that most of her clients are not. After some discussion on this I realized that most of her clients are filled with fear and anxiety, depression and hopelessness has settled in their minds.
There is no doubt that we are all living through a life changing, a world changing event. Going through any change, let alone such a large change can be scary. This is completely normal and part of the HUMAN experience.
We do not need to pretend that the world is a happy place 100% of the time. Acknowledging our feelings, giving them a 'nod' so to speak, is healthy. It doesn't mean giving in to those negative feelings by sinking into a depression or sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves or being so frustrated that we lash out at others. It just means that we can recognize these feelings without indulging them and justifying them. We can feel them without buffering. Buffering, meaning all those things we do to HIDE from our feelings...overeating, tv, social media, business...
When we acknowledge our negative feelings instead of trying to avoid them, when we are open to feeling our negative feelings without indulging them, we take our POWER back. If we are not afraid to feel an emotion, then we don't have to resist it, we can just feel it with acceptance.
Letting your body process the emotion, and heal from that, is what I'd like to teach you. If you can learn to feel awful feelings and process them, then you can have much more power in your own life.
Experience your emotions, do not be a victim to them.
Right now... During one of the most uncertain times in our country and around the world..right now is the perfect time for some self reflection.
The world is slowing down for most of us as the world is taken aback by the Coronavirus. Many of our sources for entertainment have closed, shopping centers, schools and our places of work have shut down. And while we learn to adjust to new way of living each day we are given a great gift, TIME.
Time, once so scarce as we raced through our days, weeks and months working, sports, family, social life, and relationships, trying to keep it all balanced and fulfilling is now handed to us (or forced upon us) with the stay at home orders and closings of so many institutions.
Taking the time we've been given and using it to get closer to those in our homes, making calls and trying new ways to use social media and the internet to stay connected, and reconnecting with ourselves is an opportunity like no other.
Take a look at where you are in life, relationships, jobs, friendships, your home....
Re-evaluate those things. Are you where you want to be? Are there areas that you would like to improve or change? You CAN! Now is the time!